take a shot for me !

​

I went to a friends funeral the other day. 

We could’ve showed up 10 minutes earlier to see her dead body sitting in a casket, but decided against it. I’ve never lost a close friend or family member before, but i feel like when i do, i don’t want to dress them up, paint their nails, and curl their hair all while they lay lifeless.

Kamree was bawling when she came out of the viewing room. She gave john, tommy, and i all hugs while struggling to not choke on her own tears. 

Bailey followed behind her, hugging me, kissing me on the cheek, and telling me she loves me.

I love bailey. We just aren’t close and haven’t talked in months.

But funerals do that to you. Make you recognize the love you have and who you have it for.

I couldn't stop crying listening to all of brooklyn’s friends and family talk about her as if she wan’t there. Which i guess she wasn’t.

I also couldn’t stop thinking.

I still haven’t stopped thinking.

I think a lot about how brooklyn would've set up the whole funeral thing if she were still alive. I wonder if she made a list of things or told someone how she wanted it. She didn’t know she was going to die so soon, but she battled cancer for a while, so she must've thought about her funeral more than once.

I think about who my family would select to speak at my funeral and if i would disagree. 

I think about how when i was fifteen in therapy all i talked to my therapist about was my funeral. I used to think about it all day every day. But i thought about the guilt people would feel for “ruining my life” after they heard i killed myself. I didn’t think about my family or friends or what would be done with my body after the fact.

Now all i can think about is her family. My family. 

My funeral.

So, if i were to die tomorrow here are some things that i would want someone to know:

 

I know i’m dead so technically i have no say so in how things go down, i’m also aware that this funeral you’re planning isn’t for me at all, it’s for you and all my other friends and family, but on the off chance my soul gets stuck on earth and i have to sit through the whole thing, i want it done a certain way.

I want it to be stunning and joyous.

And everyone says that about their funeral, but i mean it.

My body will not be embalmed and i will not have a casket purchased for me. So, there’s no need to drop everything and plan a whole funeral in 2 days. I want people to have the chance to buy plane tickets, figure out their schedule, take a long weekend.

That’s how it worked when i was alive, and i want it to work like that when im dead.

I want my clean, naked body to be placed in the grassy mountains of north carolina. To deteriorate and replenish and return. But if it’s a hassle or the boonies' naked graveyards are getting too full, just burn me to ash and toss me in a river somewhere. To return.

I don't care what everyone wears, as long as it isn’t all black.

I don’t care what building you choose to have it in, as long as it isn’t a church or a gym.

I don’t care what time of day it is.

If it makes everyone feel better to talk about God and me “returning to Him” then by all means, amen.

But madison, get up there and mention what i think happened to me when i died. Just so everyone knows.

I don’t care what happens to my belongings.

Hand out tissues and play a good playlist for people to listen to while they’re walking in.

Keep it short and sweet.

Make sure my dad, madison, and abigail speak. Beyond that, choose who makes the most sense.

Don’t paint me to be someone i wasnt. 

Im a sarcastic, hard headed, loudmouth, bitch of a woman now and i don’t think that will change before i die. Make sure they all know.

Have a party that night.

Serve alcohol and good food. Play good music. Dress fun and have fun. I wish i could be there but i can’t so take a shot and dance for me.

 

I hope brooklynn got the chance to tell someone how she wanted it. 

I hope she was watching us all cry in that chapel and felt a sense of peace and joy.

Here’s to her.